Melissa's Guide

Melissa’s guide to surviving a Zombie Apocalypse

USJ, which is how cool people say Universal Studios Japan, pulls out all stops to celebrate Halloween in style. There’s themed food, attractions and best of all, a zombie apocalypse after dark. Although this is a simulated apocalypse, I did pick up some handy tips for the day ‘I am Legend’ will occur and we’ll all be faced with flesh eating monsters. Welcome to Melissa’s guide to surviving a Zombie Apocalypse.

Mel's Drive In

Step 1 – Walk, don’t run!

USJ Zombies

Zombies are literally lifeless bodies reanimated through some magic or genetic mishap. I don’t know about you but I generally sleep like the dead and I don’t move very fast if you get me up in the middle of that sleep. Zombies are the same, unless it’s the animated body of one of those weird morning people. If that’s the case run like hell because they’ll be all perky and dead right up in your face.

Also by walking, not running, you’re far less likely to trip over your own two feet and faceplant like a toddler learning to walk. I saw this far too many times happening to grown adults, so it needs to be said. However, maybe it’s for the best…survival of the fittest and all that.

 

Step 2 – Laugh in the face of danger

USJ Halloween event

Zombies, at least paid actors in special effect makeup, are looking to get a reaction out of you. The reaction they’re seeking is for you to revert to your toddler self by screaming, wetting yourself and, referring back to step one, forgetting how to use your legs. If you enjoyed being a toddler, good for you, feel free to use this reaction. However, if you like being an adult with all the freedoms that status brings, the appropriate response to a zombie creeping at you is to laugh.

This technique is 98% effective at repelling the more extreme approaches by zombies including, the classic jump scare, hair raising scream, and chainsaw revving of some of the more cunning dead folk. It will, however, increase the chance of spraying zombies targeting you with their bodily fluids (it’s normally just water, relax).

Laugh types appropriate for zombie repellent include the manic, I’m actually crapping myself, laughter, and the, did you just see that girl fall over for the second time in two minutes, laugh. However, feel free to add your own spin on it, such as the, that makeup is really not that convincing, laugh.

 

Step 3 – The only weapon you’ll need is your camera.

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Forget the katana at home. Not only do you have no idea how to use it and are more likely to hurt yourself than your undead foe, it’s not a very good weapon for the apocalypse. Besides, you won’t be allowed to bring it into the park in the first place. Instead arm yourself with the best weapon currently available on the zombie hunting market, the humble camera. This zombie hunting masterpiece generally comes with a handy carry strap, and has many different makes and models. It’s readily available and is super effective at deterring the zombie hordes. Once they realise you’re more interested in snapping their picture than screaming in fear, they’ll stop scaring and start primping. After all, even zombies have a bit of vanity.

Plus using a camera as a weapon will leave you with some awesome souvenirs from that time you survived the zombie apocalypse. The pictures you take will be like your badges of honour, which should be displayed proudly for the world to see. I will show you my badges now, I thank you in advance for your praise of my outstanding zombie hunting prowess. I wish you luck on your own hunt.

USJ ZombiesUSJ ZombiesUSJ HalloweenUSJ ZombiesUSJ Halloween

Until next time,

Melissa.

P.S. if you use this guide and a zombie eats your brains, I do not take responsibility. So don’t come a hunting me once your part of the walking dead.

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